Aunt Mildred called. “I went to get that coronavirus vaccine like you been telling me.”
I told her I was relieved. “You know, at your age there’s actually some real risk—”
“Don’t you start on my age. Anyway they wouldn’t give it to me.”
“What do you mean they wouldn’t give it to you? They’re giving it to everybody. They made college kids get it.”
“Well that’s not what the girl at the drugstore said. I went and waited in line with all the sick people pulling down their masks to sneeze, and finally I get to the front and say ‘I want the coronavirus vaccine. I want the one from Moderna.’
“You know what she tells me? She tells me I don’t get to pick. ‘They’re all equally effective.’ Her very words.
“Now I done my reading. So I say, ‘Well which one are you giving? Cause I don’t want the Johnson and Johnson with the side effects or the Pfizer that doesn’t work so good and the FDA people quit about.’ Oh, the eyes rolling at me. Then she disappears for five minutes, probably having a smoke—”
“Aunt Mildred,” I interrupted.
“Oh, come on. The skinny ones with the tattoos are all smokers and you know it. So she comes back and says ‘Today we’re doing the Moderna vaccine. Do you want it or not?’
“Now I’m already tired of waiting, and I don’t like how snippy she’s being. So I say, ‘Yes. Moderna. That’s what I asked for.’
“And just to make her point, she says ‘Ok. Even though it’s not up to you and... they’re... all... the... same...’ You know, like I’m a child.
“Then she says ‘Just fill this out.’ And what do you think but they want all these personal details: my birthday and phone number and address and everything.
“‘I’m not telling you all this,’ I tell her. ‘I just want the shot.’
“She says ‘This is required information.’
“I got enough tracking and phone calls in my life. ‘No, thanks,’ I say.
“‘But when you come for the next shot, we’ll need to give you the right one.’ she says.
“‘I’m a big girl,’ I say. ‘I can remember.’
“‘But it’s for your safety. In case there are side effects.’
“‘Oh. So now it’s with the side effects!’ I just looked at her.
“‘Ma’am, it’s for your own good. You’re going to need proof-of-vaccination. You could lose your job.’
“I told her I’m retired.
“‘Don’t you want to be able to go to a movie or visit your family? They’ll be checking everywhere soon.’
“‘I’m not showing my papers.’
“I can feel the line of people behind me getting antsy. Then she leans in and gets quiet. ‘Look, ma’am. You can tell me you don’t have an ID. Then you can just tell me a name and a date of birth. Any name. I just need the information. It’s required.’
“But I’m not playing that game. It’s like she’s trying to make me do a fraud. So I say ‘Do you care more about getting people vaccinated, or about keeping track of them?’ I thought I had her there. But she just looks right back at me and says ‘We can not give you a shot without collecting your information. It would be unethical.’”
Aunt Mildred sighed. “What a waste of my morning.”
I asked, “So you walked out? The woman at the counter must have been upset.”
“Upset? She looked like she won a prize. You know, triumphant. She said, ‘Don’t forget your form.’
“I said ‘What for?’
“‘For when you decide to comply with the process. You’ll be back.’”
Yes, tracking is important in medicine. Not sure if a fake name counts.